Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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