Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
