i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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