I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
