How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
