Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
