Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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