my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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