u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
