bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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