I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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