It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
