My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
