I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
NoShamevember. You game?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
