In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
