I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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