He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
