While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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