i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
