Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
