I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
