Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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