dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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