party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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