Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Randomize
