Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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