Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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