At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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