I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
