Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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