Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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