she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
