I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I think im going to throw up on grandma
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
