she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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