haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
