If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
