so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
