i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
