I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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