There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
