I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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