Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
