So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
