Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
