Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
