I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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