I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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