i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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