I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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