I just made out with a guy for $7.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She's the barista slut.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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